It's cute how I consistently trick myself into thinking that I'm responsible. Like every night. Every night I tell myself tonight's the night! I'm going to be IN bed and asleep by 11 p.m. as if I've finally cracked the code... I've done it folks! I've figured out the secret to a great sleep cycle! Ignore the fact that I have NEVER done anything on time in my entire life, nor have I ever been able to plan my sleep schedule as I want to. My body sleeps when it wants to sleep. I don't make the rules here. My brain tries, and fails, every day.
Yet somehow still, every night, I tell myself that this night will be different. Tonight I will be a responsible, healthy adult that is scrubbed and groomed by 11 p.m. and tucked away, deep in REM...
It's a lie.
Me, myself and I- we all know it. I know that no matter how hard I try, I clearly enjoy torturing myself. I like staying up too late and then waking up the next morning like the lone survivor of a treacherous battle- one that is rewarded with coffee. (It's all about the coffee reward and the excuse I can find to buy it for myself.) Honestly at this point I've almost made a sport out of it: how late can I stay up and still manage to function the next day? Place your bets now people. Spoiler: I can only last until about 12:15 a.m. (12:30 if I'm feeling wild.) We are talking school nights of course (and yes, I still refer to any night where I have an obligation the next morning as a "school night.")
I had a friend tell me the other day that the most infuriating quirk about me is that I can never be anywhere on time, but yet I'm always consistently late. Um, yeah. That's like the golden rule of late people. Of COURSE I can't get there when you tell me to get there, but I can get there in the amount of time it takes for me to 1) panic when realizing I should have already left 2) finish the "getting ready" process 3) text "I'm on the way" while still at home and 4) fly out the door like a bat out of hell. It's simple math really. Steps 1-4 always take about an extra 20 minutes. So if I know I'm supposed to be somewhere at 5 p.m., that gives me plenty of time to sit around pretending like I have all the time in the world- checking my Fitbit at precisely 4:45 p.m. to initiate step 1.
Honestly I think tardiness is genetic. My own mother has never made it anywhere on time in her life but boy does she try. Road trips as a kid meant my parents stressing at least 4,93,438 times before bed the night before that "marshall law has been declared! We all need to be up and out the door by 8 a.m.!" only to have us barely scraping the wheels off the driveway by 10. In my mom's case, what's sad too, is that she usually has herself all geared up to be early... and then somehow still manages to be late. Once, I was all excited to have my little brother come visit me in D.C. for a weekend. His flight was to arrive that night after work at around 7 p.m. My mom had him ready, packed and fully prepared for the trip. They parked at the Atlanta airport on time, security was a breeze and they even stopped to get coffee. SOMEHOW, during the two hours of leave-way they thought they left themselves, no one bothered to check the actual time and I received numerous panicked phone calls from my mom going "what time is it?? We missed the flight!" Because she forgot Atlanta is an hour ahead for her. Keep in mind they both have fitbits, people. My mom was chattering away on the phone with her bff to her heart's content while my brother I guess was staring at his phone... (apparently completely ignoring the little clock function.)
So, I will never be on time. It isn't in my DNA. Sometimes I try to read those articles that Time magazine and others have about how us late-fools will one day be the most successful... they make me feel great but let's be real, I know I'm the problem.
I will never go to bed on time either. For me, the ability to control one's bedtime at a reasonable hour is like the be-all-end-all of adulthood. You are truly thriving if you can achieve that. So I guess joke's on me. I will forever be a sleep-deprived, late arriving freak, who attempts to trick themselves every night into going to bed a little earlier.